Is Sex Good?

Today the discussion began with a question from me.  

Esther: I have had a question in my mind for several days, but I couldn't gather enough courage to ask it to you. Anyhow I shall speak it out now. What do you think about sex, rabbi? What is its place in our life? Is it good or bad? Usually we young people are ashamed to think and talk about it. I hope you will not get angry at me for asking this question.

The rabbi had a smile on his face.

Rabbi: I am very happy to know that you have such confidence in me to ask about sex. Sex is nothing but a natural device for reproduction. As we exist in the world limited by space and time, we have birth and death. Dying people are replaced by newborn children. Without reproduction, humankind cannot continue to exist.

A child inherits the appearance and behavior of her father and mother, which makes each human being different from any other human being in the world. It is to attain such variety that nature employs the device of sexual reproduction, that is, making two human beings participate in reproduction. Based on their role in reproduction, all human beings, in fact, most of the living beings, are classified into male and female. To make a male and female participate in the act of reproduction, nature gives them some pleasure as an incentive. Thus the immediate objective of a couple in having sexual contact is pleasure, though the ultimate objective, which belongs to nature, is reproduction. Each culture develops its own pattern of behavior in choosing a mate, and in bringing up children.

The reproductive system in our body doesn't start functioning as soon as we are born. It becomes fully active when we become physically mature. Therefore, children do not have sexual feelings as much as adults do. After, let us say the age of ten, the reproductive system slowly becomes active. For this reason, there is a gap between children and adults. Adults have the knowledge of sex and they feel its pleasure, but children do not have such knowledge or feelings. If a child witnesses a grown up couple engaging in sexual act, s/he will be greatly confused.  Therefore, adults always try to hide sexual activities from children.  As sex is hidden from them and forbidden to them, children develop the feeling that sex is indecent or evil. If they happen to carry this feeling to adulthood, guilt feeling will be a close companion of any thought or act related to sex. Even a couple married with the blessing of the society will find it difficult to enjoy the pleasure of sexual contact if guilt feeling persists. When one can't enjoy its pleasure, s/he blames the partner, and it may ultimately lead to their separation, leaving their children fatherless or motherless. Hence, although sex should be hidden from children, they should be informed well about it while they grow to adulthood.

Our forefathers seem to have had very clear understanding about sex. When Adam and Eve disobeyed God, they became conscious of their nakedness, and tried to cover their nakedness. The implication is that sex turned out to be a thing of shame for them. When they were in good terms with God, they were not ashamed of sex. In this story, our forefathers agree that sex has become a thing of shame in our world, but they do not believe that it is the ideal state. It is God who created human beings male and female, and it is God who blessed them to have children. Also in the creation story, we read that God saw all creation to be good, which of course includes sexual distinction. Therefore, there cannot be anything bad or shameful in sex. The pleasure of sex is the gift of God, and we must be able to enjoy it gratefully without any guilt feeling.

Sex gives us great pleasure; however, it can cause so much pain if we are not careful of certain things. Like fire, kept under control, sex gives pleasure. Gone out of control, it burns us. Let me give you some tips.

1. Sex is, of course, a very important part of life. But we should not forget that it is only a part, not the whole of life. If we give undue attention to sex, we will not be able to enjoy life itself.  Sex for life--that should be our motto. Enjoy life as a whole, and enjoy sex as a part of it. It should not go to the other extreme of "life for sex".

2. Sex involves the co-operation of two human beings. If one forces the other, neither of them can enjoy it. Also, it is a violation of God-given freedom and right to force someone to do something against his/her will.

3. It is natural for someone to be attracted to a person of the opposite sex; however, it is unrealistic for someone to make a family with everyone he/she is attracted to.  Family is a stable and age-old institution primarily meant for bringing up children in a healthy and caring environment. No society that sacrifices the institution of family for the pleasures of sex can last long.

Sex involves very powerful and complex feelings. It is like a strong horse that can easily take the cart off the track before we even know it. Unless our mind is fully under our control, sex can be dangerous.

It was a very lively discussion and I am so grateful to the rabbi for clearing our doubts about sex.


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